Worth Saving
by Snapegirlkmf
Summary: Harry mistakenly puts the wrong memory in a Pensieve and ends up learning a certain truth about Severus that is both shocking and upsetting. What really happened during the week Sev spent with Hagrid? Rated for suicide themes, Broken Wings prequel
1. Nobody Cared

**1**

**Nobody Cared**

**A Broken Wings prequel**

***story does contain some suicide themes, if this makes you uncomfortable skip the end of the chapter. There is nothing graphic written here though.***

***beginning of this chapter does take place right after Two Hawks Hunting and contains spoilers for that book***

_**A week before school starts**_

_**Headmaster Snape's office**_

_**Hogwarts, 1996 :**_

Harry hadn't meant to do it. It had been a mistake, an honest to goodness mistake.

He had been helping Severus rearrange and organize his office before school began, and there had been loads to fix before Harry could start arranging the bookshelf and tidying up the boxes of papers Severus had brought with him. Harry had discovered the Pensieve stored in a small cabinet behind the door where Fawkes' perch used to be. The phoenix had taken off for parts unknown, and Harry was sad to see him go, but he wished him well.

Harry had set up Major's bowls and toys where the phoenix used to be, and hoped the gray tom would like his new quarters, though Major was free to come and go as he wished, Severus knew better than to deny Major his freedom. After he had done that, he opened the cabinet to place some cat food and extra litter inside and that was when he saw the stone bowl.

He had removed it and set it on top of the small cabinet, figuring Severus might need to use it.

Then the sixteen-year-old turned back to unpack a small padded case. Inside were several clear bottles, labeled, containing some of Severus' memories, which swirled around, silvery but neither liquid or gas, but a strange combination of both. Harry was curious and read some of the labels. They were dated and some were titled. To his surprise, he found a bottle labeled "Draco's Biggest Fear: Or Harry's Prank". With a grin, Harry realized this was his own memory of playing that prank with Vera on Draco in the bathtub, apparently Severus had considered it worth saving.

_That was some fun! I finally got back at the prat and it was so hilarious! Especially the part when he comes out screaming, naked as a newborn, and streaks down the hall. Then he bangs right into McGonagall! I damn near wet myself!_

Harry suddenly felt a strong desire to view that particular memory again. He reached into the case and picked up the memory. Then he carried it over to the Pensieve and dumped it into the swirling liquid.

Grinning, he dunked his head into the bowl.

He felt himself start to spin and then he was spat out . . .not into the memory he thought, where he had been watching Draco run butt naked down the hall, Vera slithering along behind him, but a memory not even his own, a memory that was familiar and yet completely strange . . .

**Hogwarts**

**June, 1976:**

_I'm sorry, Lily," I began, determined to make this right. I regretted my temper that night as I'd never regretted anything in my life. "I didn't mean it."_

_Her eyes were like two chips of emerald ice, so cold that they froze me where I stood. "Save your breath, Snape! I don't want to hear it!"_

_"Please! Listen to me! I didn't mean it!"_

_"Then why did you say it? You don't usually say things you don't mean. Is it because that's what all your new Slytherin friends say? Because I've heard them, you know. They think Mudbloods are scum of the earth, vermin, that we all should be exterminated. Is that what I am to you, Snape?"_

_"No! I never . . .it never mattered to me, Lily . . .you know that!"_

_"Then why are you friends with people like Avery, Lestrange, and Mulciber? Why do you hang around such evil people?"_

_"I don't . . .not really . . ."_

_"I've seen you, Snape, don't try and lie, damn you!"_

_"I'm not!" I exploded. "Just because I'm with them doesn't mean I believe what they do! You're the one who said let's try and be friends with other people in our Houses, Evans! And look who _**you're**_ hanging around with-the bloody Marauders! You're a fine one to talk, making nice with Potter, who used to hex me till I bled!"_

_She blushed. "At least Potter and Black don't cast dark curses on people! Look what Avery did to Mary the other week! What do you call that? How can you be friends with someone like that, Sev? He's evil!"_

_I gritted my teeth. "Oh, and like Potter and Black are any better? They might not use dark hexes, but they don't need to. What they do is just as bad, humiliating people for the fun of it. You don't need a dark hex to hurt someone, Lily! It might not kill or maim or whatever, but it leaves other scars, dammit!"_

_"Don't start, Snape! I'm sick and tired of you and the Marauders! I'm tired of making excuses for you. You're so obsessed with them you don't even care that you're hanging around people whose greatest ambition is to kill Muggles and join You-Know-Who! Maybe they were right about you!"_

_I gaped at her, too shocked to utter a word in my defense. Surely she couldn't believe that? I loved her, for Godsake. I would never hurt her, not intentionally. _

_She gazed at me, her eyes shooting sparks, and I snarled, hurt by her willingness to believe the worst of me, "Fine! Believe whatever you damn well please! You know best, don't you, Evans?"_

_"It's over, Snape," she declared coldly, then she turned and walked back inside the portrait hole. _

_I just stood there, her words echoing in my head like a death knell. What had I done? _

_That was the beginning of the end. After that I no longer cared much about anything, except my studies. I was moody, depressed, and my temper was as nasty as my father's at its worst. Everyone avoided me, which was fine with me. I was like a wounded dragon, ready to bite the head off of anyone who got too close. _

_I went home, and found that my mother was dying, and there was no magic that could save her. I tried, of course. Tried every remedy and elixir I could think of, every healing enchantment I knew. Useless. She died one freezing cold December night, just before Christmas. I was there, holding her hand, as she drew her last breath. _

_And with her went my last hope of anything resembling a family. _

_When I returned to school for second term, I was bitter and angry, torn all to pieces inside, but not knowing how to ask for help. All I knew was how to hide. So I did, and no one knew how close I was to the edge till after Black nearly killed me in the Shrieking Shack. _

_I went to the Headmaster, thinking surely he must act, I had nearly lost my life, the damn werewolf had nearly bitten me, and only Potter's quick reflexes had saved me, much as I hated to admit it. I owed the arrogant sod, and I wanted to see justice done. I thought Dumbledore would agree, but instead he told me to keep my mouth shut, that Lupin's secret must be kept, and swore me to secrecy. _

_"What about Black? He tried to kill me, damn it!"_

_"Now Severus, I highly doubt that. He says it was just a lark."_

_"Oh, brilliant!" I sneered. "Just a lark. It was really funny too, sir! I nearly died laughing!"_

_"My boy, you are overwrought. You ought to go and get some sleep. I shall settle with Mr. Black and the others."_

_I wasn't buying it, not for a minute. He didn't look the least bit angry, not the way he should have looked if he was really going to lay down the law. He looked concerned. But not for me. Oh no. He was concerned for Lupin, that someone might learn he had permitted a werewolf with an active curse to attend Hogwarts and endanger us all. _

_I was so furious I practically spit. But I managed, for once, to control myself, and all I said was, "Yes, sir."_

_I left, and only then did I realize just how much I was worth in the old man's eyes._

_Nothing. _

Harry gasped, for he knew then he had made a terrible mistake, and had dumped the wrong vial into the Pensieve. These were Severus' memories, not his. He had just invaded the man's privacy. But he couldn't stop watching as the memories unfolded, one by one . . .and in them he became not a casual observer, but Severus, feeling what he felt and seeing through his eyes. . .

**A few days afterwards:**

I longed for school to end, yet at the same time I dreaded it. For with my mother gone, I had no one to shield me from my father's temper and fists. Unless I just stayed from home when he started drinking and only came back when he was passed out stone cold on the floor.

But even dealing with Tobias was preferable to remaining at school, forced to realize that I had driven Lily away with my own horrible temper and watch her making out with Potter. I should have gone back again, tried to make her understand, but I was too much of a coward to face the lash of her tongue a second time.

I was miserable, I had lost the two most important people in my life and nearly been killed and nobody gave a bloody damn. Not the members of my House, not Dumbledore, no one. I wondered idly lying in bed after a long day of classes if my father would have cared if I had been killed by Lupin. Probably not.

I knew exactly what he thought of me, he'd said it often enough, drunk and sober. I was a no good lazy bum, a freak who had a smart mouth and needed to be reminded of my place. I was worthless except as an extra pair of hands to fetch a beer and cook.

Bitterness and revulsion consumed me then. I hated everyone then—my mother for dying, Lily for not understanding, the Slytherins in my House for not defending me, Dumbledore for treating everything the Marauders did to me as a joke, the Marauders for being the Marauders, but mostly I hated myself—for being utterly worthless.

I stared up at the ceiling, my canopy had a hole in it so I could see the ceiling of my dorm room as I lay down. After my conversation with the Headmaster, I had felt even worse, and for the first time ever today I had concocted an excuse to miss class. I knew I was too depressed to concentrate on anything, even potions. So I stayed in my room, pretending to be ill, when all I felt was numb inside.

I was sick of my life, sick of all these stupid promises people made and never followed through on. Lily had promised to be my best friend forever, look how she turned on me. Dumbledore had promised me once that he would treat Gryffindor and Slytherin alike, but he too had changed his mind. My new Slytherin friends had promised to support me, but when the Marauders had played their little joke on me, they were nowhere to be found.

I picked up a potion from my small stock of them called Extra Strength Dreamless Sleep and turned it over and over in my hands.

There was only one person who had always kept any promise he made, and who seemed to care about me. Hagrid. He had always invited me over for tea and blueberry scones anytime I wished. He never asked me anything about my home life, but I think he sensed all was not right there. But he wasn't one to pry, and so I felt safe with him.

Potion in hand, I slipped from my dorm room and out into the gloaming. It was that in between time where the sky is a mottled gray and at the same time a sunburst of color shades it. I headed quickly over to Hagrid's, and knocked a few times on the door.

"Hagrid? You at home?"

No answer. And the door was locked. I could have charmed it open, but I didn't want to pry. I have always been a very private person, and so try and respect the privacy of others.

My heart sank down to my shoes.

There was no one I could turn to. No one I could tell about how scared I was now to go to sleep without a light on. How just looking at a picture of a werewolf made me want to sick up. I thought I was a coward.

_Useless, worthless, no good brat!_ Tobias growled in my mind. _The only thing you can do right is cast spells! And lately, you can't even do that. You couldn't save Mum, you drove away the only other real friend you have, you're a pathetic bastard, unworthy of being loved. Why don't you do yourself a favor, and the rest of the world too, and just go to sleep and never wake up. Who needs you anyway?_

I stared down at the vial in my hand, and felt tears sting my eyes.

I already knew the answer to that question.

No one.

I crept around the back of the hut, the front felt too exposed.

I sat down on the path leading to the back door and the pumpkin patch and turned the vial over and over in my hands.

When my mother lay dying, I had sat by her bedside and asked her once if she were afraid of leaving the earth and going to heaven. She had said no, because heaven was wonderful, a place where all your hopes and dreams came true.

I hoped she was happy there.

I shut my eyes, and uncorked the vial.

Maybe I should join her there. Anything was better than here.

I swallowed the draft and then I fell over.

I fully expected to never wake up again in this world.

Instead, I opened my eyes and found myself staring at the four walls of a familiar hut, lying on a comfortable straw stuffed mattress in a corner near a big black old-fashioned stove. My eyes darted this way and that, I was frightened and for an instant didn't know where I was.

Then a familiar shape came into view, and Hagrid stirred a pot of stew on the stove.

At first I was happy to see him, knowing he was the one who had saved me. But an instant later I was angry. Who had asked him to interfere? I wasn't worth saving. Surely Hagrid would know that. Wouldn't he?

**This is something that's been nagging at me to write, and it will be a short piece, maybe 4-5 chapters, that details the bond that came about from a badly abused and depressed Severus and the gentle wise half-giant Hagrid. It was something I felt needed to be written. But please note, I do NOT approve or encourage suicide, a relative of mine once committed it, and if you or someone you know is contemplating it, PLEASE get help. Your life is a gift, respect it.**

**I have written the Pensive memories as if Harry were a part of them, instead of being an impartial observer, because I always thought it odd that a memory wasn't viewed/experienced from the POV of the person remembering it. When I recall something that happened to me, I see it as it happened from my unique perspective, and not from anyone else's perspective, unless we are having a discussion. Whenever Harry uses a Pensive in the books, I always got the feeling he was watching TV or something, not experiencing the memory the way the person who owned it did. I think the impact is much greater if you BECOME the person whose memory you're viewing, so that's why I've written this in first person POV, save for the beginning and end of this story. **


	2. Silent Sorrow

**2**

**Silent Sorrow**

The smell of the beef stew simmering made my stomach rumble. I couldn't recall the last time I had eaten. Though I had no need to ration portions at school as I did at home, I had never eaten very much at mealtimes. The hall was too noisy and I often had to watch out for any sort of prank from the Marauders, so I usually ate very little in the company of others. I had long since persuaded the house elves to send me a late supper in my room, or I went down to the kitchen to eat something. But lately I had not been inclined to keep regular mealtimes and anything I did eat tended to make me feel sick afterwards. Depression is not something that pairs well with food. At least not in my case.

But now I was practically drooling all over the colorful blanket lying across my shoulders. I sneered at myself. I was such a hopeless idiot! I couldn't even do myself in right. Or did Hagrid have something to do with saving me from my self destruction? I hadn't thought he cared. I had thought nobody cared for me at all.

Yet here I was, alive, and warm and comfortable in Hagrid's cottage, the last place I had expected to end up. My father had always said I was destined for hell for being an insolent brat and using heathen magic. When Mum had died, he hadn't even bothered to show up for the funeral. Not that I had wanted him there. He could have done nothing to comfort me. No one could.

I still missed her, she had died in December, and it was only six months since she had passed away, leaving me with no parental figure to rely on. And worse, no one who cared for me at all. I found myself blinking back damnable tears . . .again. I couldn't fathom it. I _never_ cried. Never. I had had all the tears beaten out of me by Tobias when I was eleven, and received my Hogwarts letter. It had been the one act of open defiance I had ever shown him, and it had resulted in the worst beating of my life. But it had been worth it, for my mother had acted then and made sure I went to school where I was away from my father and able to learn how to control the magic that was my birthright. I wish she had divorced the nasty bastard as well, but for some unfathomable reason she stayed with him, maybe it was out of pride or fear or even some hopeless unrequited love. I had never asked, and now I would never know.

_Love turns wise men into fools_, I thought sardonically. I did not know where I had read that, but it was true. I still loved Lily, would probably always love her, despite her rejection of me. But now she, like Mum, had abandoned me, and I had nowhere to turn.

Until now.

I rolled over, propping myself up on an elbow. I was still in my uniform, though Hagrid had removed my robes, tie, and shoes and opened up a button on my collar. He must have thought I had passed out from the heat. Or at least that's what I prayed he thought. Please, let him not guess what I had really intended. I didn't need anyone's pity. I just wanted to be left alone.

It was what I deserved, after all, pathetic fool that I was.

My movement alerted Hagrid, who turned his head from the pot and smiled genially at me. "Awake, are ye now, lad? Good. If you needed a place to sleep, you coulda knocked. My door's always open to you, Severus."

I breathed a sigh of relief. So . . .he thought I had been sleeping. Well, in a way I had been. I gazed at him mutely, suddenly too sick at heart and weary to respond. I had wanted to leave my existence behind and instead found myself still clinging to it in spite of everything. And I didn't even know why.

Hagrid didn't seem to mind my silence, he just patted my shoulder gently. I flinched and he looked at me sadly. "Sorry, did I hurt you? I forget, sometimes, that you're not even a quarter of my size."

I shook my head. Hagrid's friendly pat hurt about as much as Fang licking me. I just didn't like being touched, especially not by an adult male. I had received too many slaps and kicks from my father to ever be comfortable getting a casual pat from a man, even one who I knew would never hurt me. I was like a wild cat, wary and ready to spring away at the slightest sudden movement.

Hagrid was not offended by my distrust. Instead he said, "You're lucky I found a few conies for the stewpot, lad. Otherwise you'd eating bread with butter n'jam, since I ran outta honey yesterday. Have to go and tap another hive tomorrow. It's too late now for you to return to the castle, so you might as well stay here. I don't mind the company."

I did, but I could hardly say so. Instead, I retreated behind my wall of silence.

Hagrid pulled two wooden dishes and spoons from his cupboard and dished up the stew. He poured a glass of ale for himself and a glass of pumpkin juice for me. "Sit and eat, Severus."

I obeyed, because I was accustomed to obeying people in authority, and because I was starving.

The stew was accompanied by some rich wheaten bread with crunchy sunflower seeds baked in it, and there was a crock of butter to spread on it. I ate silently, concentrating on each spoonful and bite as if my life depended on it. It tasted so good that I wanted seconds. But I didn't want to ask for it.

I remained staring down at my empty bowl, licking my lips.

Hagrid read my mind, or so it seemed, for he reached across the table and gave me a second scoop of stew and another piece of bread. "Here. You're too skinny for a growing boy. Eat up now. Don' they feed you right up at the castle?"

I didn't bother answering, just ate the second helping. Nothing at the castle had ever tasted so good as that simple stew and bread. Hagrid, for all his size and supposedly limited intellect, had a deft hand with spices.

I even drank the pumpkin juice, which I normally avoided, because I found it too sweet.

"All finished with your exams, righ'? I'll bet you aced 'em, never knew any kid as smart as you. Only a week more till you go home. You looking forward to the summer?"

Hagrid's simple words , praising my brains, made me feel somehow warm and fuzzy inside. The only one who had ever praised me was Mum. Even Slughorn simply took it for granted that I would do well in potions, and so forgot to tell me what a good job I did. But an instant later I went cold and trembled. Looking forward to the summer? Not on your life! It would be just me and _him_ in the house, and I wondered if I would survive. I wished I could stay at the school forever.

I immediately ducked my head and let my hair fall in front of my eyes so Hagrid couldn't see how frightened I was. I tried to stop thinking of the hell that awaited me at Spinner's End. I had a week left . . .a blessed week before I needed to think about him. _Calm down, Sev. Calm down. Don't let the fear rule you. Just don't._

There was a lump in my throat and my stomach churned with dread so badly I feared I would lose the wonderful supper I had just eaten. But I forced myself to take a deep breath and relax. I sipped my pumpkin juice slowly and eventually my stomach settled.

I felt a large wet nose nudge me and looked down. Fang was sitting next to me, panting happily, drool falling from his jowls to puddle on the floor. Normally I would have shoved the begging hound's muzzle away, but I was too despondent to care if he was drooling a river onto my socks. I fed him the rest of my bread.

He gulped it down happily and then slurped my hand.

Hagrid chuckled as I hastily wiped my hand on my trouser leg. "Ah, you fed him. Now he'll be your best friend forever. Seems to me like you could use one."

I froze. How much did he know about Lily and me? Had the news of her split with me reached even Hagrid's ears? I opened my mouth to retort angrily that I didn't need a friend, I didn't need anyone, especially not a silly dog that drooled like a waterfall. Then I shut it. Why bother saying anything? What was the point? Like Hagrid gave a damn about my opinion.

Fang put his head on my knee and sighed blissfully.

I stared down at him. I wished he would go away. But he didn't.

Hagrid busied himself tidying up after supper and I almost offered to help. Mum had taught me how to clear up my plate when I was three, and I felt lazy just sitting there and letting Hagrid do it. Like I was some rich prick, like Potter and Black, who had grown up waited on hand and foot, with house elves to wipe their arse if they wanted.

But then I reminded myself that I didn't care about anything anymore and I remained where I was.

Hagrid talked to me quietly. "Today while I was out checking my snares, I saw a baby thestral. It was the cutest little critter, all wobbly legs goin' every which way, and its little tail whisking back and forth. Most people can't see thestrals, unless they've seen someone they love die. Me, I saw my dad die when I was a lad. Just twelve, I was. Never really knew my mum, she left when I was a little 'un. My dad raised me till he took sick and when he died, I became a Ministry ward. 'Least till I ended up getting myself tossed outta Hogwarts on my ear."

_Expelled? Hagrid had been expelled?_ I had never known that. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask why, but then I bit my lip hard. I had no right to demand an explanation, it was a private matter, and I should mind my own business. So I remained quiet, only my eyes betraying my surprise.

But I felt sorry for him, losing his dad at such a young age. That must have been hard. As bad as me losing my mother.

"Sometimes, when I watch the thestrals, I remember how it was . . .I never knew he was really sick until I came home from school fer holiday break and he was in bed. My dad never slept late his whole life, so I knew sommat was wrong. Bad wrong. But he tol' me not to worry, that he'd get better. I offered to brew him some potions, but he tol' me to just sit and talk with him a bit. So I did. He knew even then that he wasn't gonna make it, but he didn't want to upset me. Always a kind fellow, my dad was." Here Hagrid sniffled and wiped away a large tear from his eye.

I stared down at the polished wood grain of the table and struggled to keep from sobbing. His words had yanked me back from that cold lonely place where I felt numb to the night when my mother had died. I had sat vigil beside her. . .

_I had been sitting beside her bed, holding her hand, which seemed absurdly small all of a sudden in my own long one. My mother's dark eyes met mine, bright with a strange flame, an otherworldly shimmer, and I had known then that all my prayers and hopes were in vain._

_All of my potions weren't enough to keep death at bay._

_It was here, in the room, its icy chill permeating through the layers of blankets and the Warming Charm I'd cast._

**_Go away! You can't have her_**_!__ I challenged the silent specter angrily. **It's not time for her to go. I don't want to be alone. Come back later!**_

_But death remained, oblivious to my taunts and pleas._

_Eileen began to cough, and I whispered, "Mum . . .here, sit up . . ." I eased her to a sitting position, wishing there were something else I could do._

_"Thank you. Severus . . ." she trailed off and squeezed my hand. "There are so many things I wanted to show you . . .to teach you . . .but there wasn't time . . . I'm sorry . . ."_

_"Don't, Mum. Please. You should never be sorry."_

_"No? Ah, Sev . . .I have so many regrets . . .but one thing I never regretted is you, my son . . .remember that . . ."_

_"I promise."_

_Eileen smiled, and one pale hand came up to caress my cheek. "So little time . . .and yet time is endless. . . .I'm so tired, Sev. All I want is to rest . . ."_

_"Not yet."_

_"Let me go, Sev. You knew this day would come, I told you it would when I first learned the test results."_

_"I can't . . ." I stared at her anguish screwing up my face._

_"You must," she insisted._

_"No! I love you! Please stay! Please!"_

_"I wish I could . . .but they're calling me . . .calling me home . . .Love you, Severus . . .remember . . ."_

_She slipped away even as I watched, clutching her hand in a desperate attempt to stave off the inevitable. But the night had come anyway and taken her and I could do nothing . . .except remember that love brought pain . . ._

The memory of her last words to me was like a dagger in my heart, twisting and turning until I gasped, bent double from the pain. _Mum, why? Why did you leave me here? I needed you . . .so much . . ._

I forced the tears down. Crying never did any good. It wouldn't bring her back. It wouldn't mend my broken heart. Wouldn't fix a damn thing. My eyes burned from unshed tears. Tears were for cowards and I was not a coward.

"Heard about your mum." Hagrid said very softly. "Dumbledore tol' me. I'm more sorry than I can say, Severus. I know what it's like t'lose a parent. "Specially the only one who cares for you."

His perception robbed me of my voice. How had he known that? I had never told anyone about my miserable home life. I knew better. I eyed him warily from beneath my curtain of hair.

He slid a huge green hanky across the table to me. "Maybe tomorrow you'd like to come with me, lad, an' see the thestrals? Like me, you can see 'em, and it might help a little."

I failed to see just how that would do so, but I didn't bother responding. Tomorrow was not here yet and I didn't know what I would do. Let tomorrow look after itself.

"Well, I gotta go and see to the gryphon that hurt his wing outside in my shed. It's almost healed now and he should be able to fly soon. Ever seen a gryphon fly? It's the most glorious thing!"

His voice was full of childlike wonder.

I had never seen anything like that, but I found myself thinking about what it would be like, and that eased somewhat the grief I still held in my heart. It was a small thing, but it was better than nothing.

"You can have some tea if you like, and I think I got cakes somewhere around." Hagrid told me. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Hagrid's "few minutes" turned into almost fifteen minutes, and I grew impatient and retreated to my pallet, using my wand to change my uniform into more comfortable pajamas. I still hadn't decided whether or not I wished to rejoin the land of the living, but while I was making up my mind, I could at least be comfortable.

I curled up on my side, facing the wall.

I felt the mattress sink as a black bulk came and laid down beside me.

Fang.

"You big nuisance!" I hissed. "Go away! You smell and I don't want to sleep with a puddle of dog drool."

But Fang ignored my snippy tone and just stretched out behind me. He was almost as tall as I was, and he was warm, warm and soft and alive. He snored in my ear. _Nice! Real nice!_

I closed my eyes and tried to pretend I was somewhere else besides trapped on a mattress with a two hundred pound boarhound. But my mind kept returning to the night Mum died, and each time I tried to steer away from that memory, the one of Lily took its place. Utterly miserable, I curled up and buried my face in my pillow.

Despite my determination not to break down, I started to cry. Softly. My hands clenched into fists, hard enough to leave marks, and tears leaked from my eyes onto the mattress.

Fang woke and licked my ear. I shoved him away. He whined, thumped his tail, and then put his face on my shoulder.

I heard Hagrid return, and pretended to be asleep, squinching my eyes shut.

He came towards me, I felt his shadow hovering, but he didn't attempt to wake me.

I waited until he had dimmed the lamp and settled himself in his bed across the hut before allowing myself to relax.

I must have drifted off to sleep, because I woke sometime in the middle of the night, whimpering at my mother to stay.

Fang was snoozing at my back and I reached over and stroked him.

Abruptly, loss and despair overwhelmed me and I sniffled. Before I knew it, my eyes were leaking saltwater again.

But I made no sound. _Stop crying, dammit! Just stop, you whimpering pansy-arse!_ I growled at myself in Tobias's hateful tone.

It didn't help. More tears followed. I couldn't stop them.

Then I felt a large hand rubbing my back.

"Good dog, Fang. Good dog," Hagrid muttered.

I had stiffened when he had touched me initially. But I slowly unwound, thinking he had made a mistake and had meant to touch Fang, not me, in the dark.

His hand continued patting me, rubbing up and down my back, and all the while I cried silently, until at last I fell asleep, worn and aching to the bone, while Hagrid comforted me. It made me feel good, even if it was done by mistake.

**Hope you all liked this chapter! I recently injured my right hand and so have typed this with my left hand and some assistance from my BFF, Kristie. **

**Next: More Hagrid and Sev bonding! **


	3. Bring Me to Life

**3**

**Bring Me To Life**

***chapter title inspired by Evanescense song by same name***

"Now, see how the mare thestral keeps watch over her baby?" Hagrid instructed softly. "Some folk once believed that thestrals were evil and unlucky, but that ain't so. They're dead clever beasties and useful, wicked fast and well nigh invisible to anyone who hasn't seen death happen in front o' their eyes."

I was watching from behind a low boulder along with Hagrid the herd of thestrals that lived in a secluded meadow up in the northern part of the grounds, hard by the Forbidden Forest. I had never known this place existed, and I had thought I knew all the good hiding places around the castle. But somehow I'd missed this one. Or perhaps I was only able to see it now, after I had watched Death take away my mother.

As promised, Hagrid had brought me to the meadow to see the new baby thestral, which was a rare sight, according to the gamekeeper. His favorite thestral stallion, Tenebrus, was grazing nearby, it was his mare that had foaled. Hagrid told me there were actually two herds of thestrals living here, one was Minos' herd, that was Tenebrus' father, and the other was Tenebrus', who had just recently started to gather some mares and sire foals. It was unusual that the two herds were tolerating being in the same space, but so far Minos hadn't attempted to drive his son off, and they seemed content.

As I watched the gawky foal heave itself to its feet and turn to nurse, I asked quietly, "What do the thestrals eat?"

Thestrals looked like walking nightmares, by that I mean they were coal black, had shimmering white eyes, bat wings, and skeletal bodies, their heads were sort of a cross between a horse and a dragon and they had fangs. I was sure their appearance had something to do with the stories that they were evil and unlucky. Most people generally assume that if it's ugly and looks evil, it is evil. People can be so stupid sometimes! James Potter looked like the god Mars and yet he was a mean-spirited bully, a prat of the worst order. So was his best mate, the dog Sirius. Lucius Malfoy looked like an angel, but he could smile at you one minute and curse you the next.

"Ah . . .they can eat almost anything. They like grass, but they also can hunt birds and small animals and eat them too. They're kinda like people that way, eating both flesh and greens. They especially like pomegranate seeds."

"Pomegranate seeds? Like in the myth of Hades and Persephone?" I hadn't had a great time in primary school, but one thing I did learn well was mythology. In the myth, eating six seeds of a pomegranate dooms Persephone to live in the Underworld as Hades' Queen for six months of the year.

"Yes. Like that," Hagrid said.

"You know that story?" I asked, surprised. Hagrid didn't exactly look like the sort who read classical literature.

"Sure do. My dad used to read me all the Greek and Roman myths when I was a little shaver. I still remember them." For a moment he looked sad, then it vanished as he pointed at the thestrals. "They pull the carriages that take you back and forth from the school to the train station. An' Dumbledore uses 'em sometimes when he needs to get somewhere in a hurry and can't Apparate."

We watched the thestrals feeding and playing for a few more minutes before Hagrid shifted his great bulk and said, "Sev, I have to go and check up on another of my . . .err . . .rescued animals. But she's cranky when she's injured and I wouldn't want you t'get hurt, so you can either stay here with the thestrals—it's kind of peaceful here and I know you haven't had much o'that—or you can come with me, long as you do as I say."

He looked at me questioningly.

"What sort of creature are you treating?"

"A chimera," he answered calmly.

"A _chimera_! Hagrid, that's a monster! It eats people!" I sputtered.

"Now, calm down, Severus. Chimeras got a bad reputation too, same as thestrals. Fact is, chimeras will eat deer or elk or sheep before they'll eat a human, an' the one I'm helping has never tasted human flesh."

"How do you know for sure?"

"'cause I raised her from a baby. Her name's Medea. Shee got caught in some poacher's snare a week ago and broke her leg tryin' t'get out and cut herself up real bad, since the net was barbed. She near bled to death b'fore I found her. Heard her cryin', see." The big man shook his head angrily. "Bloody poachers! Well? You comin' or stayin'?"

I considered. I did enjoy watching the thestrals, it was a balmy June afternoon, and as Hagrid had said, very peaceful here in the meadow. I had not known such peace ever . . .or at least not that I could recall. Especially not recently. It was something I craved, I realized. But at the same time, I could not resist the lure of the unknown. I had never seen a live chimera up close. All I knew about them was from reading textbooks in Care of Magical Creatures—which according to Hagrid were wrong. I was filled with curiosity.

"I'll come," I replied. "Are you going to see her now?"

"Yeah, jus' as soon as I bag a deer. She'll be hungry and Medea doesn't like me givin' her potions on an empty stomach. You can stay here till I get back, okay?"

"All right," I agreed, content to bask in the sun on top of the boulder while Hagrid hunted and watch the thestrals flying and running in the meadow.

Hagrid moved off into the forest, carrying his crossbow slung over his shoulder. I watched him till he disappeared from view, then climbed up the boulder and lay down on my stomach, propping my head in my hands. Hagrid had told me this morning after breakfast that he had sent a note to Slughorn, telling him where I was so he didn't worry. I snorted. Ha! As if that drunken sot cared what happened to me. He had never bothered to do anything when I had complained to him as a firstie about the Marauders harassing me, he tolerated me because I was brilliant in potions, but had never invited me to join his Slug Club. I guess I wasn't exalted enough, or pretty enough. Lily got invited as did a few others, but not Snape. Poor outcasts didn't belong with the wand-and-Galleon set, though I could claim pureblood ancestry on my mother's side all the way back to the Founding of Hogwarts. Not that I wanted to associate with them, most of them were stuck up snots, but still . . .it hurt when I watched others who didn't have a tenth of my skill brewing get praised and ushered into the Slug Club. Yet another thing to add to the tally of things that had gone wrong this year.

I sighed. I shouldn't be thinking about that. I didn't want to dwell on the past. That would only make me long for oblivion again. I owed Hagrid my life, and I was slowly starting to appreciate what living could mean again. Thanks to Hagrid, I was slowly allowing myself to feel again . . .and feel joy, not pain, peace, not strife. It was an unlooked for awakening, but I welcomed it. For I had begun to realize that feeling something was better than feeling nothing at all, which was what I had felt before taking that draught.

I dozed and woke to Hagrid shaking my shoulder.

I jerked up fast, turning around and throwing a hand across my face before I knew what I was about.

"Easy there, lad. I'm not gonna hurt you," Hagrid said softly. "I'd never hurt ya, Severus." His tone was the same one he used upon Fang when the dog was whimpering, for Fang was afraid of thunder, and it had rained earlier this morning for a brief time.

"I know. I know." I said, ashamed. I lowered my hand and looked away. How could I have betrayed myself like that? I scolded myself fiercely. Tobias wasn't here and I knew Hagrid would never hurt me. So why did I keep flinching and cringing all the time when he touched me? I waited for the obvious probing questions. They never came though.

"Sorry I scared you," Hagrid apologized. "D'you want to go back to my house and take a nap?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm fine. I just . . . was having a bad dream. The sun made me sleepy."

"All right then. If you're sure?"

"I am."

I noticed he had a freshly killed deer carcass over his shoulder. It had not been dressed , so I assumed Medea enjoyed all parts of her kill. I slid off the boulder, straightened my shirt and robes, and followed the caretaker through the trees to a small clearing where there was a huge metal stake pounded into the ground. It was attached to a large steel chain, the links were as big as my hand, and the chain was hooked to a large spiked collar, similar to a dog collar, but what this held was no puppy.

Medea was large, about as big as a compact car, she was colored tawny gold on her body and legs, and she had a lion's head, complete with mane, and next to it a goat's head, with curling horns and glittering ruby eyes. Her tail was a snake, a vivid green viper, which hissed at us in warning as we approached.

Medea's front leg was badly damaged, Hagrid had splinted and wrapped it. She lay on the ground stiffly, growling low in her throat, a singsong wail of warning. Scenting and then seeing us had driven her into a paroxysm of nerves. She also had multiple long cuts on her flanks and chest and one nasty one near her right eye.

Hagrid motioned for me to stay back and still, and I obeyed. To the half-giant, she might be a pet, but she was still a dangerous predator.

I watched as Hagrid moved towards her, slowly but without any fear of the big creature. I understood that approach. Showing fear to a predator was asking to get eaten or attacked and _then_ eaten. A predator respects strength and showing fear was a prey response.

"Hey there, Medea. How you been doin', old girl?" he asked the chimera, sounding as if he were talking to a housecat instead of a beast that could rip out his throat in an eyeblink. The chimera pinned him with her bright yellow eyes. Her growl changed slightly, it sounded more like a puzzled noise now. "Here, Medea. Brought you some lunch. Figured you'd be hungry by now." He unslung the deer from his shoulder and tossed it down inbetween his pet's paws.

Even injured, the chimera moved like lightning, pinning the carcass down with her good paw and then dipping her head to tear at the soft underbelly. All three heads enjoyed the feast, even the goat head, I saw, had fangs and not the usual flat teeth of an herbivore. As Medea tore and gulped the deer, crunching and tearing happily, Hagrid knelt and opened his big leather pack.

He removed several things from it. A roll of huge sheet like bandages, a few bottles of potions and salves, and what looked like a huge sea sponge, for applying some of the potions, no doubt. I wondered how he would manage to get near her eye to treat it. The cut was on the lion's head, and the head was currently gulping down lunch.

Hagrid squatted back on his heels, content to wait till his pet had finished her meal before trying to tend her. All the while he kept up a soft patter of words, crooning to her in a relaxed easy tone. To my astonishment, the half-lioness creature began to purr, loudly and off key, but it was definitely a purr.

Medea had devoured the entire carcass within ten minutes, eating everything, including all the bones and sinews. Nothing remained save a few bloody splotches. Sated, she looked up at her master and gave that odd sort of purr again. I noted her fierce eyes looked sleepy and very relaxed.

"That's a girl, Medea. Why don't ya take a nap, hmmm?"

He turned back to me and winked conspiratorily.

It took me a moment before I realized just what Hagrid had done. He had drugged her with some kind of potion, probably a Calming Draught or maybe a soporific one. I was trying to figure out how he had done it, when he rose and began slowly approaching the chimera.

He actually reached out and caressed the lioness head, and scratched the goat behind the horns and let the snake curl up his arm. Gryffindor bravery indeed! Hagrid was far more brave . . .and maybe foolish too, some would say . . .than any of the Marauders. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, a man petting a chimera without worrying about losing a hand or getting burnt to a crisp or clawed to death. A chimera had killed a Quidditch star once on holiday in Greece.

As I watched in awe, Hagrid calmly drew away and opened a potion bottle and shook its contents upon the sponge. "Now, Medea, you be good an' let me help you now, aye?" he kept talking to her as he swabbed out each of the nasty wounds upon her.

And they were nasty, I could tell even from a distance. I could only imagine how they must have felt when she had first gotten them. They were jagged and reminded me of lashes given with a knotted thong, like old naval captains used to give sailors who disobeyed them back in the 1800's. I had read _Horatio Hornblower_ and some other naval historical series last year, some of which had been illustrated. I had found them in a box in my attic, and discovered they had belonged to my grandfather, Victor Snape, a man I had never met, since my father had basically cut off all ties to his family after leaving home and then marrying my mother. All I knew about the man was that he was dead, having died when my father was seventeen in a mining accident. But the books were wonderful, offering me an escape from my dreary life.

The net had been barbed, I recalled Hagrid saying, and I shuddered to think of what Medea had endured before Hagrid had come to get her out. Nothing should suffer that way, not even a chimera. Especially not one who was not a man-eater. Whoever had set that trap should have been thrown into one and left to rot.

Hagrid was gentle, but it must have hurt some, for occasionally the chimera would snarl or the snake head hiss in protest. But she remained lying there, allowing him to tend her in spite of it. Now that was true devotion. And trust. Sudden tears sprang to my eyes. I had only trusted two people that way—my mother and Lily. And both of them were gone now. I stared at the gamekeeper and his chimera and I felt an irrational longing and jealousy rise up within me.

I wanted to trust someone that way, I wanted someone to take care of me, I was so alone, all the other students, even werewolf Lupin, had someone that _they_ trusted, someone to talk to, to trust with their deepest secrets and fears. All of them except me.

I blinked hard and told myself to quit wallowing in self-pity. I didn't need anyone. I was fine by myself. But even then I knew it was a lie.

Hagrid was almost done with her when he turned abruptly to look at me.

I had no time to duck my head and pretend to be looking elsewhere, I was caught totally off guard, my longing visible even to the densest person, which Hagrid was not. Our eyes met and I knew what he saw in mine. A shattered soul, longing to belong, but afraid to get close to anyone again.

Then I dropped my gaze to my sneakers.

Hagrid turned back to Medea and said nothing, but I wasn't fooled. He had seen and he understood.

Inwardy I cursed myself. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had never allowed my emotions to show so blatantly, I had learned to lock my feelings away by the time I was eleven, so my father didn't have the satisfaction of hearing me cry when he beat me, and the Marauders never did either.

Finished with his task, Hagrid rumpled Medea's mane again before putting everything away and getting to his feet. "You see, Severus. Medea might be dangerous, but a bit o'kindness goes a long way to gaining her trust."

I had the odd feeling it wasn't Medea alone he was talking about.

To hide my vulnerability, I quickly asked a question. "How can you just trust that she won't . . .hurt you? I mean, she's a predator."

"Well, when you raise a critter from a baby, it gets to know you an' trust you, 'specially if you learn how to handle it right." He said, leading me away from the clearing. "A lot o'people see one thing when they look at a creature like Medea, or a gryphon, or a dragon. They see a monster, something too dangerous to do anything with except try and avoid it or make it submit to you. Or kill it."

"But you don't. You see beyond that."

"I do. B'cause I know what it's like to be seen as an outcast. I'm not entirely human either. That was why the Headmaster was so willing t'believe I was dangerous an' my pets were too when that girl was killed in my third year. The Headmaster tried to make me kill Aragog, my acromantula, saying another student had tol' him that it were Aragog who killed the poor girl. But it weren't. The girl, she died, but not by an acromantula's bite, Aragog was too little to have the venom strong enough to kill a girl then, he were jus' a baby."

"Wait. You had a classmate _die_ when you were at school?" I halted and just gaped at him.

"Yeah. It's not somethin' we usually discuss . . ."

"Who was it?"

"You know the haunted bathroom in the castle? Well, the ghost that haunts it, Myrtle, was the girl who died in my year. The same year that the Chamber of Secrets was opened. They thought I did it, y'see, and Aragog was the creature from it. So the Headmaster expelled me and snapped my wand. An' after that, nobody wanted t'know me. I was made a ward of the Ministry, but the wizards there didn't like me, thought I was a troublemaker. I wasn't allowed to do magic and they gave me a room in _The Leaky Cauldron_, an' had me clean the pub. Thought I was too stupid to do aught else. But once I was of age, they let me go, and nobody would hire me."

I was furious. "You mean, they just, kicked your arse out on the street?"

"Yup. Pretty soon I was starvin'. But Dumbledore saved me. Took me back to Hogwarts an' gave me this job and I've been here ever since."

"How mighty nice of him!" I sneered. I couldn't help myself. When I had needed him, he had shoved me aside, allowing the Marauders to walk away with a slap on the wrist after they had almost killed me. All he'd cared about was Lupin, not the fact that I had almost died in that bloody hole. "I guess you were lucky, you were one of his own. If you'd been Slytherin, he might have just patted you on the head and given you a lemon drop!"

Hagrid winced. "Ah, Severus. Dumbledore is a great wizard, I always said so, but . . .that don't mean he can't make mistakes. An' he made a bad one with you."

My mouth hung open. "You know? You know about . . .what happened that night?"

Hagrid looked at me and nodded solemnly. "'Course I know, lad. I was the one who planted the Willow for Dumbledore and told him the best way t'contain a werewolf. I was the only one here besides the Headmaster who knew the truth about Lupin."

"And did you know about the Marauders roaming around at night, setting a werewolf free?" I demanded. I had learned about that little escapade from listening to the Marauders confess to the Headmaster through the keyhole when Dumbledore had dismissed me, after securing my word that I would never reveal Lupin's furry little secret.

Hagrid looked horror stricken. "They _didn't_! Those bloody fools! What were they thinkin'? I can't believe Dumbledore didn't punish them for that! An' for what they did to you too. I tol' him, I did, that he was wrong to not give them some kind o' detention at least. Fooling around with a werewolf like that . . .you just don't do things like that . . .somebody could have gotten bitten!" And this from one who "fooled around" with dangerous monsters every day.

"Like me."

"Lad, I'm sorry. Sorry you feel the way you do. But I can't blame you. Nobody stood up fer you, did they?"

"No. Nobody gave a damn!" I spat. "Sound familiar?"

Hagrid nodded heavily, clearly upset. "That mighta been true then. But it's not now. D'you understand what I'm saying?"

I met his eyes and saw something in them I had never dared to hope for.

Acceptance.

But I didn't understand why he would care. What was I to him?

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you care about these dangerous creatures? Why aren't you afraid of them?" I wasn't really asking about them, but about myself.

"Because someone has to. Somebody needs to understand them," he answered evenly. "Even a predator has a purpose. And is necessary. Medea might be dangerous, true, but she can also be affectionate and loving, kinda like a big kitten, so long as you respect her. Most predators have a kind of pecking order, they need to know who's boss, an' once you gain their trust, it's yours forever, unless you do something to break it. A lot o' creatures go off by themselves when they're hurt or sick, because they think it's bad t' show weakness an' they're afraid of bein' hurt again or they're dying. An' they growl and snarl at you when you try an' help so you think they ain't hurtin' so bad. But once you calm 'em down, an' show them you're all right, they'll accept you. That's all I'm tryin' t'do, lad. These animals need me. The whole world might be against 'em . . .but that don't make it right. So I do what I can."

I almost smiled then, to hear myself compared with a "dangerous creature", a pet project for Hagrid, like helping Medea. But in a strange way, it made sense. For I too was a stray, one he had taken in from the cold and sheltered. Did I dare take what he offered? Could I trust him not to betray me? I wanted to . . .so badly, but still . . .I was afraid. It was too soon. I was still raw and bleeding inside.

"Oh. I understand now." Though I wasn't sure I did. How could Hagrid care so much for me, who was just a student, and not even of his House? How could he think I was worth saving?

But I did not ask any of those questions. Instead I walked back with him to his cottage and set the table for supper.

"Severus, y'don't have to do that," he protested.

"I do too. My mum didn't teach me how to sit around on my arse and expect a house elf to serve me. Or think that I deserved to be served by anyone." I answered, lining up the forks and knives next to the plates. "I'm not a spoilt rich brat, like Black and Potter." I glared at him challengingly, daring him to refute me.

But all he said was, "All righ', Severus. Thank you," before dishing up the barley and chicken stew he'd left simmering upon the stove all day.

We ate, and after supper I insisted on washing up the dishes, another chore I often had to do at home. I paused in rinsing a plate, wishing wistfully I could stay here for the summer. Maybe I could ask Dumbledore for a job here? I would do anything if only I could stay here instead of going back to Spinner's End.

Then I sneered at my reflection in a soap bubble. God, but I was pathetic! Dumbledore wouldn't let me stay, I knew better than to even think it. I also knew better than to tell anyone what life was like at home. I scrubbed at the second plate, consoling myself that I had five days left. Five days . . .maybe a miracle would occur.

But I wasn't holding my breath. Miracles only happened to good kids who deserved them. And I knew I wasn't one of them. If Tobias had taught me anything, he had taught me that.

**I hope you are all reading and enjoying this glimpse into Severus' past. **

**I don't know if I'm doing a good job with showing his fears and anxieties, because I've never known anyone recovering from an attempted suicide before and how they would react. I'm just using my instincts. If something seems off, please tell me. **

**I originally intended this to be five chapters, but it looks like it may be slightly longer. Like 6 chapters. Hopefully that makes people happy. **

**I enjoyed playing around with the chimera, although mine had a lion's body because I just didn't see a goat's body working with the image i had in my head. **


	4. Never Say You Love Me

**4**

**Never Say You Love Me**

The next two days went by uneventfully. By that I meant that none of the Marauders discovered where I was and what I was doing, and Slughorn didn't try and get me to come back to the castle. I was grateful for the one and bitter about the other, for it showed me that my Head didn't give two turds about my well being. Sure he knew I was with Hagrid, but did it ever occur to him to check up on me, make sure I hadn't been eaten by a bugbear or a vicious overgrown acromantula? Did he even once wonder **why** I had chosen to take refuge with Hagrid, of all people? No. Out of sight, out of mind.

During that time, I went with Hagrid on his rounds. He was responsible for all the animals upon the grounds, like the thestrals and the owls and the chickens and rooster that we kept for their eggs, feathers, and the occasional stewpot. A rooster's crow also kept basilisks at bay. Once we had fed and tended to them, we then entered the forest and Hagrid tended to Medea and a few other foundlings. Currently he was healing a vixen with a broken paw—it had gotten caught in a trap someone had set—a crooked legged deer, it had been born like that, and a hippogriff that had been orphaned by a manticore.

Only Hagrid could tend Medea, but I helped him with the other animals, even the little hippogriff. Hagrid named all his foundlings. He claimed a name was important, that it gave a creature a sense of belonging, of being care for. He called the vixen Flare, the deer Nibbler, and the hippogriff was Buckbeak.

I learned how to feed Flare some beef strips and oatmeal, the vixen would happily eat from my hand. She was almost tame, though she still ran to the back of her pen when I came with the food bowl. Nibbler was warier still, I would put the salt lick down in the pen along with some hay and dried grass, and he would only approach after I left.

My favorite was Buckbeak. He liked to catch food in his beak, and I used to throw him his dead coney or ferret and he would snatch it right up out of the air. He always bowed to me afterwards. Hagrid said that was a mark of respect and said I should bow back. I did as he told me. By now I trusted Hagrid's judgment when it came to the creatures of the forest. He had an instinctive way with them that was almost like magic.

I had never thought I would find much in common with the Hogwarts gamekeeper, whom most of my peers regarded as a lunk, thick as the castle wall. They mocked him behind his back, thinking he was too dumb to hear what they were saying, or not caring. I remembered some of my Housemates laughing one day as he came up to the castle in his brown robe and moleskin trousers. "There goes Hagrid, Dumbledore's charity case, dumb as a box of rocks."

Only they were wrong. Hagrid was anything but dumb. He was actually pretty wise and he saw things the others missed. He was the only adult at Hogwarts to ever notice that I was unhappy about going home. He never asked me what was wrong, but I knew he saw there was something upsetting me whenever he discussed the end of term.

I usually avoided answering him, for I didn't even wish to think about what awaited me back at Spinner's End. The gloom, the endless chores, the drunken nights where Tobias passed out cold on the floor, in a pool of his own drool and vomit. But that was preferable to the nights when he came home and wanted to pick a fight with me, sneering and bloated with hatred, heaping insults upon my already wounded spirit before exploding into violence.

Now that my mother was gone, I had no shield from his rages, no one to speak up on my behalf, to make sure he didn't kill me with his fists. He had broken my nose twice over the years and I had scars from where he had beaten me with belts and hard leather slippers "for my own good". I hated him and yet I desperately wanted his approval. Don't ask me why. I couldn't figure out my own twisted feelings where he was concerned.

So I contented myself with learning from the gamekeeper, whose knowledge of animals and magical creatures was equal to any professor I had ever had in Care of Magical Creatures. I had never thought I would be interested so much in anything except potions, but I soon developed a rapport with the injured animals I fed and tended. I understood their wariness and fear, for in a strange way I was just like them. I too had been injured and was afraid to trust, afraid to let anyone close, lest the harm done me be repeated. Like Flare, I bared my teeth and growled to hide how terrified I was, because to show fear was to be vulnerable.

At night, when we returned from our forest ramblings, Hagrid would eat with me. We usually had some kind of stew or beef pie with bread and butter or honey. The food was good, Hagrid didn't know many recipes, but what he did know was filling and tasty. Lately I was always starving, and Hagrid never minded if I took seconds.

"Yer a growin' boy, Sev. Yeh need to eat in order t' grow right."

I half-opened my mouth to tell him that I knew that, but in my house we barely had food enough for three people for one meal, let alone three square ones. I quickly shut it and ate some more stew. It was venison this time.

"I'm jus' glad you like my cooking," Hagrid chuckled. "I got my growth spurt around six, an' I got tall enough t'pick my pa up and carry him on my shoulder."

I thought about how much I would have loved to pick up Tobias and toss him over my shoulder and kick his arse into the street. Or wallop him till kingdom come. That image plus the one of Hagrid as a little boy with his father perched on his shoulder made me do something I hadn't done in a long time.

It made me laugh.

Hagrid's black eyes twinkled. "Yeah, it was pretty funny. At first I thought it meant I didn't haveta obey him anymore, but I was wrong. Pa was still pa, an' he could still make me toe the line." His eyes darkened and he said sadly, "I still miss 'im. He taught me all 'bout cooking an' how t'care for a hurt beast or bird. And how t' shoot a crossbow an' hunt cleanly, without makin' a critter suffer."

I continued eating, the old resentment and bitterness clawing at me. Why couldn't I have a father like that? One who taught me things besides how to duck a cuff or tell a good ale from a bad one? One who told me he was proud of my brains instead of harping at me for being a useless bookworm, who didn't sneer at me for being skinny and scrawny. Who didn't hate me for having magic like the witch he had married and loved once.

I had to assume that once he had loved my mother, there had to have been something more than mere attraction there, more than mere sex, for her to have stayed with him through all the crap he pulled. God knows it wasn't just for me.

"Did he . . .like you having magic?" I asked after mopping up the last of my stew with a piece of crusty bread nearly the size of my hand. Hagrid liked to serve large portions of everything. It was a good thing I was always hungry now, because I would have felt guilty wasting food.

"Blimey, o'course he did! He was pleased as punch! He wasn't sure I would, you see, bein' as my mum Fridwulfa was a giantess."

I gaped at him. "You're a half-giant?"

"Aye. You mean, you didn't know?"

I shook my head. "I thought . . .maybe you'd swallowed a growth potion."

Hagrid laughed, not unkindly. "No, lad. Got my size from my mum. Not that I really remember her. Pa had a picture of her that I usta look at . . .she were pretty for a giantess."

"Why did she leave? How old were you?"

"I was three. And I guess she figured it was time for her to go back t'her people. She was never the cuddly type, an' once she made sure I didn't need her, she left. Pa raised me on his own and I think I was better off."

I wished I could say the same.

I fed Fang a second dish of stew, the boarhound always had a voracious appetite. He had taken to sleeping at the foot of my bed and while I'd never admit it, I had actually grown used to a dog sleeping on my feet. The only drawback was he tended to drool.

After dinner, we sometimes played a boardgame. And it wasn't Wizard Chess either, since Hagrid didn't own a set. Instead we played draughts (checkers), naughts and crosses (tic tac toe), or backgammon. They were simple games I should have learned as a child, but no one had ever taught me. You didn't need to be a genius to play them, but they were fun, and that was another thing I had little experience at. The only fun I had ever had was when I played with Lily as a child and brewing potions with her and Mum.

I had summoned some more clothes from my room, and my school books, so I could do some of my summer work now, instead of waiting to do it at home. After our nightly game, I did some of it at the kitchen table. Had anyone glanced inside the hut, they might have assumed we were a family. But no such luck. I had never had anything resembling a normal family.

My childhood had been full of shadows and sorrow, with only a few glimpses of sunlight. I could recall more nights when my father had smashed plates against a wall and cursed out my mother and me than I could eating dinner together and sharing a civilized conversation.

But now I had peace and quiet and no longer needed to be on my toes, looking over my shoulder for those bullying prats, the Marauders. And yet I still started at loud noises or sudden movements. I hated myself for it, yet I couldn't seem to help it.

After completing my Charms assignment for Flitwick, I decided to turn in. I'd had a long day and I was pleasantly weary. I changed behind a curtain Hagrid had set up about my bed, then curled up in the middle of the bed and drifted off to sleep. Fang's bulk hit the bed an instant later and soon my ears were filled with his snores. But somehow I managed to fall asleep anyhow.

I hadn't had a nightmare since waking up here, but for some reason that night I did.

_Once again I was a little boy, about six, and I was cowering in a corner, listening to my parents quarrel again. I hated it when they yelled at each other, it made me feel sick to my stomach. They sounded so angry . . like they were going to tear each other to bits. Even then I knew that was not how mums and dads should sound._

" _. . .dare blame me for the state you're in, Tobias Snape!_ _It's your own sodding fault that we have no money and had to ask my father for a loan!' cried Mum._

_"I never wanted that . . .don't need no fuckin' charity, Eileen!" Dad yelled._

_I put a hand over my mouth. Dad had used a really bad word. I knew because I had repeated it once, and Mum made me eat soap and gave me a smack on my bottom too. Would she do that to Dad?_

_" . . .you're impossible, Tobias! You think you can feed us on your wages after you drink them all away? I had to take the money!"_

_"I'll not be beholden to any wizard, but especially not your holier-than-thou parents."_

_"Sometimes I wonder why I ever married you. I'm not even sure I love you anymore . . ."_

_Now I felt bad for my dad. How come Mum didn't love him anymore?_

_The row lasted another few minutes, then it was still. Mum had gone down to her lab and I saw Dad sitting in his favorite chair, drinking a bottle of what Mum called booze. I crept about the hallway and hesitantly approached Tobias._

_Then I laid a hand on his arm and said, "I love you, Dad, even if Mum doesn't."_

_He slammed the bottle down and glared at me. I sniffled, wondering why he was mad and if I was in trouble. "Never **ever** say you love me, you little kiss-arse!" he snarled, then he shook me hard and turned me over his knee, growling, "You sniveling whelp, I'll give you something to cry about!"_

_He kept that promise, unlike the other ones he'd made and broken._

_After it was done he threw me from him and I ran . . .I ran . . .and ran . . .into the dark . . .and behind me came his voice, raw with fury . . .never say you love me, whelp . . .never say you love me . . ._

_It was then I knew that he hated me . . .he could not even bear for me to say I loved him, or maybe he didn't think I was good enough . . ._

I woke up gasping and yelling, "Why, Dad? Why?"

I wrapped my arms about myself and shivered, unable to quit trembling. Fang licked my face. "Ugh! Please1 Your breath could kill a stink bug."

I hoped I hadn't woken Hagrid.

"Sev? You okay?"

"Yes," I replied, hoping he wouldn't come over.

"Heard ya screaming across the room. Must'a been some nightmare." Suddenly Hagrid's bulk was there, leaning over and looking concerned. "Were ya dreamin' about your mother then, lad?"

"No. My father," I blurted. Then I clamped my mouth shut.

"Ah. You want some tea? Or maybe some Dreamless Sleep? I got a vial here somewhere. Horace gave it to me after my pet crup died last year."

"I'm fine. Thank you," I added, not wanting to seem ungrateful.

"If you're sure . . .?"

I nodded.

"All righ', Sev. Good night." Hagrid said, and then he reached out and patted me very lightly on the shoulder.

"Good night," I said, and then I turned over and tried to pretend I was asleep.

I heard Hagrid return to his bed and breathed out sharply. Again I puzzled over Hagrid's concern for me. Why did he care about me when my own father didn't? And more importantly, what would I do when it ended and Hagrid decided to send me away?

I curled up on my side again and prayed that morning would never come, so I could stay here forever and dream about living in a house where my father actually loved me and never told me to stop saying I loved him.


	5. Between Me and Thee

**5**

**Between Me and Thee**

_Two days later:_

Over breakfast that morning, ham and cheese omelets which I had cooked, Hagrid announced that he was going to see Aragog, his former pet acromantula. "I'm due fer a visit, you see. Even though he's all grown now and has got kids and grandkids, I still like to check up on him."

The way Hagrid spoke of his pets always made me smile. He treated them as if they were his children, which I supposed in a way they were, substitutes for the ones he never would have, unless he found some woman to marry. Then again, Hagrid seemed perfectly content with his bachelor existence.

But I suppressed a slight shudder when he mentioned the gigantic spider. Acromantulas were deadly, native to Borneo, and could reach up to the size of a small elephant, its legspan reaching fifteen feet. Acromantulas were a wizard-bred species, they could speak human tongues if they wished, though the Ministry classified them as beasts rather than beings because they had very violent tendencies and some enjoyed the taste of human flesh. Acromantulas were cited in _Fantastic Beasts_ as a reason why the Ban on Experimental Breeding was put into effect. Acromantula venom was highly valued by potion makers though, and many an aspiring potioneer had risked his or her life to get venom from a dead spider.

"He has a mate?" I asked, surprised. 'How did that happen?"

"I found a traveler that was willin' to go to Borneo and get a female for me. I called her Mosag, and she took to Aragog righ' away. They've got quite a colony there deep in the forest."

"Oh. That's very interesting," I muttered, forking up another piece of omelet. My imagination immediately painted a picture of a section of the forest curtained off with webs as thick as a man's arm, and filled with hungry arachnids of various sizes. A cold chill went down my spine. That would be one place I wanted to avoid at all costs. I respected spiders as a necessary and useful part of the environment, but that did not mean I wished to converse with one that could eat me.

"Is that the same spider that you had when the Chamber was opened?"

"Yup. I managed to let him go in the forest b'fore they snapped my wand," Hagrid replied. "Do you want t'come with me and see him?"

"Uh . . .not really. I . . .still have an essay to finish for Astronomy," I said quickly. It was true, though I was almost done with it.

"Oh. All righ', if you get bored, yeh could always play with Fang or Beaky. I oughta be back around the afternoon. Aragog's home is pretty deep inside the forest, takes me a while to get there."

"Okay. Don't worry, I can take care of myself."

We finished breakfast, Hagrid washed up the dishes and then he took his crossbow and left, waving. "See ya, Sev! Stay outta trouble now."

I opted to finish my essay first, and then I could decide what I wanted to do with my free time. This was the first time I had been left completely on my own for longer than a few minutes and I relished the sudden freedom. I had never minded being alone. In my past experience alone was good, because it meant no Tobias and no Marauders, though I did miss Eileen and Lily.

After I had finished my assignment I was at loose ends. Usually I would read or brew a potion if I was in the castle, but today I didn't feel like doing either of those things. I was restless and the hut seemed way too confining. I decided to take a walk over to the clearing where Hagrid kept his convalescent pets and spend what time I had left with them.

The knowledge that tomorrow would be my last day here sat in my stomach like a lump of lead. Oh, how I wished I could just stay here over the summer. I would do anything . . .scrub the castle from top to bottom, clean the toilets, anything if only I could remain here. My father wouldn't care, he never wanted me around anyhow, and I didn't want to go home. It wasn't home now that my mother was gone. She had made it livable, or mostly so. It would be unbearable now, with only _him_ there. I'd take a visit from Aragog over Tobias. At least the spider would only eat me if it was hungry. Tobias hurt me out of sheer malice sometimes.

These last few days had been so peaceful, so . . .soothing. I had never felt like that in my whole life. When I had first woken up in Hagrid's hut I had been broken apart, scared and depressed, wishing for oblivion. But gradually I had started to put the broken pieces back together, until now I felt almost whole again. All because of Hagrid, whose kindness and perception had worked its own brand of magic upon my desolate spirit, I would be forever in his debt, and forever grateful for his patience and understanding.

I reached the clearing where Flare, Nibbler, and Beaky were hidden. All the animals knew me by scent and sight by now and were happy to see me. I had treats in my pockets for them—some honey chews for Nibbler, strips of jerky for the other two. They gobbled my offerings and looked about for more. I spent thirty minutes petting and playing with them, until they dozed lazily in the sun.

Then I rose to stretch my legs and thought about visiting Medea, for some reason. I usually only went there when Hagrid was about, but this time I felt I needed to go alone. Medea could not hurt me, she was chained and I was too smart to put myself within reach of her claws and teeth. The chimera was unpredictable and tolerated me, but there was no bond between us, for she had already given her heart to Hagrid.

I made my way to Medea's sanctuary, and greeted the chimera cordially. She huffed and switched her snaky tail, lying full length in the grass, her injured leg stretched out in front. Most of her cuts, except for the deep one over her eye, had healed by now and she looked almost normal again.

I sat on the ground some ten feet from her, looking at her. "You're so lucky," I said aloud. "You get to stay here with Hagrid, while I have to return to that house and my drunken bastard father again . . ."

Before I knew it, I was pouring my heart out to her. Hagrid always said animals made the best listeners and Secret Keepers, because they would never tell a soul and never make fun of you, even if you sounded stupid. I talked on, telling Medea all about Tobias, and my mother dying, and my break-up with Lily and how I prayed to be able to stay at school, with the one person who seemed to care about just me.

Medea listened attentively, her ears flicking back and forth as I talked.

Until her attention was caught by a faint rustling in the grass off to one side. I turned my head to see what it was, and saw a large gray rat emerge from concealment.

My first instinct was to shoo it towards the chimera, for it would make her a nice snack. Until it suddenly transformed into Peter Pettigrew, one of the hated Marauders. His friends called him Wormtail, I called him a skulking coward, always sneaking about, blackmailing people when he discovered their innermost secrets.

"What are _you_ doing here, Pettigrew?" I demanded. My mind was racing, wondering how much he had heard. Oh, God . . .what if he had heard everything?

"Looking for you, Snape. Been wondering where you'd holed up since Lily gave you the sack." His sly face was twisted into a parody of a smile, his pointed nose twitched with eagerness and his squinty eyes gleamed. My heart sank. "Poor Snivellus! His mummy's dead and his dear old dad beats him for being a naughty boy! Boo hoo!"

I was furious. "Shut up, you puke-licking coward! How _dare_ you follow me here? Get out!" I was sickened. He had heard it all, and now he would run and tell his friends and it would be all over school in the blink of an eye. I would never be able to hold up my head again.

"Make me, Snivellus!" he taunted. "You greasy git, why don't you wash your hair, huh? Hagrid doesn't use shampoo, the smelly beast? Figures. I guess he likes stinky things, considering he's half a beast himself!" Wormtail brayed at his own wit.

Suddenly I was furious. "I _said_ . . .SHUT UP! Hagrid is more of a man than you'll ever be, Pettigrew! You're not fit to lick his boots. I'm so sick and tired of you bloody Marauders barging in where you're not wanted, making trouble for no reason, looking down your shitty noses at everyone, thinking who the hell you are!" I had years worth of suffering and anger coiling inside me and now it burst free. "Oh, you're so funny, pranking fat people, and so clever, making Sheila Williams look so stupid, strutting about the school like you owned it, you and your mates Potter, Black, and Lupin! How'd you ever end up there? Guess they needed some poor stiff to test their pranks out on, huh? Kiss their arse, laugh at their lame humor, eh?"

"That's a lie! I'm their friend!" protested Wormtail.

"Uh huh. A special friend, right?"

"Piss off, Snivellus! At least I _have_ friends, unlike you, slimeball. Even Lily couldn't stand you after awhile, that's why she dumped your sorry arse—"

I saw red then. I sprang at the little rat and knocked him flying with one blow of my fist. I was sick and tired of the Marauders ruining everything for me.

He screamed and landed with a thud . . .right in front of Medea.

I froze.

Pettigrew didn't, the arse.

He tried to get up and Medea pounced on him, holding him down with her good paw, snarling in rage.

Wormtail started to bawl. "Please don't eat me . . .oh please . . .please . . .Snape call her off . . .please . . .I don't wanna die . . .call her off . . ."

I stared in disgust and loathing at my fellow wizard, recalling vividly the night they had almost gotten me killed. I was sure Pettigrew had been hidden somewhere, laughing up his sleeve at me. But it wasn't so funny now that the shoe was on the other foot. "Better stop moving, Pettigrew. You're making her hungry. She might start to nibble on your toes."

"Please, Snape! Get her off me-e-e! I'll do anything! Anything!"

"Spare me, you lying piece of dung! You'll say anything when you're neck's in a noose." I spat. "I can't help you. Medea only listens to Hagrid and he's not here right now. You'd better pray he comes back soon."

His eyes bugged and he began crying again.

"That's what you get for trying to start trouble," I said nastily. "If you'd left me alone, then you wouldn't be in this scrape. So much for the Gryffindor bravery! You're nothing but a coward! Just like the rat you become!"

Medea was now licking her lips, and drool fell onto Wormtail's face, making him start wailing all over again. I wanted to smack him silly. I'd faced the werewolf with more dignity than this piece of dung. Or my father, for that matter. I'd never begged for mercy, no matter how hard he beat me.

I could tell he was irritating Medea though. Her eyes started shining with this queer light and she began to make a strange singsong growl.

I was growing nervous. Much as I disliked Wormtail, I didn't want to be witness to a devouring. But then I heard the familiar tramp of feet and Hagrid appeared in he clearing, another dead deer slung over his shoulder. "Medea, old girl, look what I got for ya . . .Great Merlin! What happened here?"

He looked from me to Medea, bewildered.

I opened my mouth to speak, but Wormtail beat me to it, whining in his nasally voice, "What's it look like, you big oaf? Help me! Can't you see I'm about to get eaten, you stupid arse?"

I snarled, "Don't you talk that way to Hagrid, you little swamp rat! He's worth twenty of you!"

"Easy, Sev. What happened?" Hagrid laid a hand on my shoulder.

I told him.

He frowned in disapproval and for an instant I was crushed. Why was he mad at me? But it turned out the frown was for Wormtail. "Jes calm down, Wormtail. I'll have you out in a jiffy. Quit wriggling . . .you're exciting her."

Wormtail froze.

Hagrid began crooning to Medea, and the chimera turned her head, looking at him with affection, or so it seemed. Hagrid had the deer in his arms, showing it to her. She seemed interested in it.

The gamekeeper slid the deer closer to her.

Medea drooled. Her head swayed from the deer carcass, which she knew was food, to the odd thing she had pinned beneath her foot. Suddenly, she made a decision.

She turned and began to feed on the deer.

Hagrid grabbed Pettigrew and carried him out of reach of her claws.

He was already trying to suck up, praising Hagrid to the heavens. My lip curled. Really, he was pathetic. Then I thought of something else. I still had to worry about him spilling his guts about me. But then I got an idea.

"Hagrid, hold him for me," I ordered, taking out my wand.

"Sev, what are you doin'?"

"Fixing a mistake. I won't hurt him." I approached them.

Wormtail started babbling, "Don't hurt me! Don't let him hurt me!"

I ignored him and laid my wand against his temple. "You will forget everything you saw and heard. All you'll remember is meeting a scary monster in the forest. _Obliviate!"_

Pettigrew's face went slack and his eyes rolled up. He had fainted, the big coward.

I gave him a disgusted look. "Figures. I don't know how he ever got Sorted into Gryffindor."

"There are many kinds of courage, Severus. His kind is only for himself, when he's cornered he'll fight back, just like a rat. That's a kind of courage, if you like. The Hat doesn't Sort that way though. Then there's the other kind of courage, when you're brave enough to stand up for a friend, and loyal, even though it costs you in the end."

He began walking through the forest, Pettigrew slung over an arm like a sack of grain.

"That's the kind you have," I stated.

"Yup. And you too. I was coming over here and I heard what you yelled at him 'bout me. There was no call for you t'defend me that way—"

"There was. You saved my life." I argued. I took a deep breath. "I . . .I wasn't just asleep out there on your back porch. I . . .I'd taken a strong Sleeping Draught because I wanted . . .I was trying . . .to die . . ." My voice quivered on that last word, as it hit me then how close I had come to getting what I'd thought I'd wanted. And what I would have missed if I had succeeded.

His free arm came about me then, hugging me to him. "Aye, lad, did you think I didn't know that? I found the empty vial sittin' there next to you. I knew what had been in it, I use stuff that strong sometimes t' put a badly injured animal out o' it's misery. Y' won't remember this, but I stuck a feather down yer throat t' make you puke, an' then gave you a counterdraft an' then you slept. I didn' want t'pry, so I never asked why y'done what you did. Kinda knew anyhow, b'cause I been down that road myself once."

I jerked my head up from his coat and wiped my eyes. I had been weeping quietly into his moleskin coat, but his words made me forget my own sorrow for a moment. "You? _You _tried to . . .?"

He nodded slowly, and I saw the flicker of an old pain deep within his eyes. Pain and understanding, the sort that can only come to one who has drunk deep of the depths of despair and sipped from the cup of hopelessness.

We said no more then, both of us unwilling to speak of it while Pettigrew was still with us. Who knew but the sly rat might be shamming and hope to pick up more secrets? We placed him outside the forest, close beside the Quidditch pitch, and then returned to the cottage, where I cast several Silencing Charms just in case. Hagrid made tea, a strong brew, and laid out some cheese and bread, butter and honey.

Silently, we ate, and then Hagrid began his tale.

"I never tol' anyone 'bout this, not even Dumbledore knows, but when I was fifteen, I grew real melancholy, an' did' want t'do nothin' but sit in my room and stare at the wall, or lie on my bed an' think about all the things me an' my dad had planned t'do once I finished school, about how proud he was that I'd been wizard enough t' go t'Hogwarts an' get a wand, and how ashamed he'd of been now that I'd been expelled. I thought of how all I was good fer was scrubbin' floors and haulin' drunk people outta the tavern. Got so bad that I felt I had nothin' left t'live for. Mum was gone, Dad was dead, I had no wand n'no real job, and nobody cared a'tall about Rubeus Hagrid, half-giant, 'cept when they needed a strong back t'lift somethin'. Half the people I met spat at me, an'the other half talked like I was too dumb t'understand 'em. I had no friends, 'cause nobody would give me the time o' day."

"I know what that's like," I said feelingly.

"Aye. Well, got so bad that I decided maybe it was time t'join my dad an' the angels on high. So I left late one night, an' went out to a deserted part o' Diagon Alley, an' I tried t' do it. But I didn't succeed, b'cause a stray puppy came an' started lickin' me as I lay there bleedin'. Kept lickin' my face, see, and cryin', an' I realized somethin' then. I realized that the dog cared for me, that a dumb beast had more compassion than any o' my fellow humans ever had. The dog kept lickin' me, an' finally I found the strength t'get up, and bandage myself an' take the puppy back wi' me to _The Leaky Cauldron._

"I'd found somethin' t'live for, somethin' that needed me as much as I needed it. D'you know who that dog was, Sev?"

I started to shake my head no, still overcome with emotion, but then a familiar black head nudged my hand. I went to stroke the broad head and scratch behind the ears, and then I knew. "Fang. It was Fang."

"Aye. A scrawny thing he was, back then, but I soon fattened him up. An' when I left for Hogwarts, he came with me, an'he's been with me ever since. And a better friend I'll never have. 'Till now."

"You mean Dumbledore," I clarified, thinking it had to be him, since Hagrid thought so highly of the old wizard.

But to my shock he shook his head. "No, Sev. I mean _you_."

I remained with my mouth agape. Me? How could that be? I was nobody, just some pathetic Slytherin who'd managed to pass out on his back porch. I wasn't worthy of the title, look what I had done to Lily. How could Hagrid want me as a friend?

"I . . .I don't understand."

"Don't ye? Lad, you need a friend more n' any student I know, like I did back then. More, y'need a mentor, somebody t'help you over the twists an' turns in the road. Now, I might not be as smart as you, or as strong as Dumbledore, but I know sufferin' when I see it. I know you've been put down an' kicked aside an' you and your dad don't get along."

"How do you know that?"

"One, y'never speak o' him. And that usually means you have nothin' good t'say about someone, or y'don't want t'remember. And two, sometimes y'talk in your sleep."

I flushed. "I don't need your pity!" I flared, anything to keep the hurt from resurfacing.

"And I'm not givin' you any." He returned sharply.

I immediately cringed and whispered, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean . . ."

He sighed. "I know your bark's worse than your bite, lad. What I'm offerin' ye is a second chance. The chance t' live. Yer young, ye got loads o' magical potential, an' you're like me—a survivor. You didn't really wanna die that night."

"I did!"

"No. You know poisons that would kill you quick as blinking, you're no novice potion maker, Severus Snape. If you'd really intended to off yerself, you would have. But a part o' you didn't want to die, anymore than I did. You wanted someone t'convince you that yer life was worth saving."

I stared at him. He was right. Why had I chosen that particular draft? I could have just as easily drunk nightshade or any one of a dozen other poisons. But I hadn't. "And you think that my life is worth saving?"

"Aye, I do. You're a good person, son. You're worth saving a dozen times over."

His words, so honest and heartfelt, snapped something inside me. My shattered spirit mended itself then and suddenly I was crying, not the silent tears I had shed throughout all my childhood, but actual sobs. I was crying for everything I had lost and also for all I had been given back.

I felt Hagrid's hand on my shoulder, patting gently. I cried harder, because no one had ever done that for me. Somehow, I ended up on his lap, and there I cried into his shirt, until I was wrung dry of tears and regret.

Then I lay there and listened to his huge heart beating, and I knew two things.

One, that I was worth saving.

Two, that I had come home at last.

SSHPSSHP

Harry was flung abruptly out of the memory and he emerged from the Pensieve, gasping with the shock. He had never shared anyone's memories so vividly, and for a moment he was stunned, trying to comprehend everything he had learned.

He carefully wiped his face on his sleeve.

"Here, Harry. Use a towel, how many times must I tell you that?" A large green flannel was placed in his hand.

Harry jerked up so violently he tripped over his own feet and fell on the floor. Severus had come back. Severus knew he had been in the Pensieve. Then he probably knew about the memories Harry had viewed as well, the bottle was still next to the stone basin, Harry thought, guilt overwhelming him. He glanced up at his father, but the sun was in his eyes and all he could see was Snape's shadow. He could imagine, however, the fury on the other's face.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" he babbled, scooting backwards on his butt, anticipating a smack for daring to invade the other's privacy in such a heinous fashion. "I wasn't looking, I grabbed the wrong one. I'm sorry! Please don't kill me, Da."

Severus stared down at the lanky youngster, utterly bewildered. "Harry, what is wrong with you? You're acting like I'm going to belt you one. Stop it."

"You are. Because I invaded your privacy. But I didn't mean to!"

There was desperation in the green eyes now.

Severus grasped Harry's hand and helped him up. "You are making no sense whatsoever. You know perfectly well I would never beat you. Now, what are you talking about?"

Harry gulped, then said slowly, "I found the Pensieve in the cabinet and I saw the box of memories you'd packed. One of them was the one where I pranked Draco. I wanted to see it again, so I reached down and opened it and emptied it into the water. But when I put my head in, I found that it wasn't my memory at all. It was one of yours."

Severus remained expressionless. "I see. Which one was it?"

"This." Harry picked up the vial and handed it to him. Then he waited for the axe to fall.

****for those of you wondering how Fang could be alive still-he's a magical boarhound and as such they can live very long lives, like their wizard masters.****

**Yes, another horrible cliffy! But I felt the upcoming discussion was best left to a whole new chapter. How do you think Severus will react? Will he, as Harry believes, go ballistic on his arse? Or will he attempt to discuss the memory calmly? Or a little of both?**


	6. Secrets Revealed, Secrets Kept

**6**

**Secrets Revealed, Secrets Kept**

Severus stared at the vial in his hand for long moments. It was labeled _Worth Saving_ and contained the dates of that fateful week he had spent in Hagrid's cottage. He didn't really need the Pensieve to recall that week, it would be forever engraved upon his heart, but he had placed the memory in the vial just in case Voldemort ever got past his Occlumency shields and discovered how vulnerable he had been once. It had been one of the lowest points in his life and at the same time one of the best, once Hagrid had taken him under his wing. He had never expected to be discussing it with his teenage son.

He peered at Harry, who looked as if he feared Severus was going to take a swing at him or hex him to pieces. It was the same kind of frightened look Severus could recall giving Tobias. It made him wince inwardly to see it upon Harry now, especially when Severus had never manhandled the boy.

"Harry, come. Let's go and discuss this in my quarters. The office is a mess, at least my quarters have furniture set up." He kept his voice low, trying to bring the boy back from whatever flashback he wandered in.

"Okay, Da," Harry agreed, wondering when the explosion was going to happen. He could not shake the feeling that Severus was furious with him, nor the fact that he might have finally pushed the ultra-controlled Headmaster beyond tolerance with this latest mishap. He followed Severus dutifully into the Headmaster's quarters, which were accessible from the office by a hidden staircase behind the wall.

Once inside the sitting room, which had been redecorated similarly to Snape's lounge area at Spinner's End, and which had hardly any boxes left to unpack, except certain books and rare curio items that Severus insisted upon unpacking himself, Severus relaxed a fraction and gestured at Harry to sit on the couch.

Harry sat obediently, hands clenched together, his head hanging, his gaze trained upon the dusky golden brown carpet.

Severus could not sit down, but stood instead. "Look at me, please," he requested. Then he waited until Harry was looking up at him before he said, "I know what you saw in that vial was not pleasant, but you have no need to fear that I will suddenly turn into my bastard father and start whipping you, fledgling. I promised you I would never do so long ago, remember? And I am not your uncle, to brutalize a child over what appears to be an honest mistake."

There, his words seemed to have relaxed the boy somewhat, enough so Harry did not look like a terrified puppy cowering from an abusive master. "You did say you reached into the box of memories without looking and withdrew my memory instead of your own, correct?"

Harry nodded. "Yes, sir. I didn't bother to look before I emptied the vial into the Pensieve, and when I stuck my head in I was drawn into the memory . . .and by the time I realized whose memory it was I . . ." he trailed off, twisting his hands together guiltily. "You're mad, aren't you? I can tell."

The Headmaster pinched the bridge of his nose and said, "I am not angry, so much as very annoyed. It's true, you did invade my private memories, but since it was not done on purpose, I can forgive that. However, why didn't you simply withdraw from the memory when you realized it wasn't your own?"

"I don't know, Da." Harry said at first. Then he sighed when Severus fixed him with an uncompromising glare and replied, "Okay, scratch that. I got sucked into the memory, it was like I _became_ you, and I had never known anything like that before. At first I was shocked, but then I got used to it and I . . .just wanted to find out what happened. I knew you and Hagrid were really good friends and you considered him a mentor, but you never really told me how that came about. So I was . . .curious. Once I started watching, I just couldn't stop. I'm really sorry, Da. I should have asked you, or been more careful, it was a stupid mistake. You can Obliviate me if you want."

"No! Have you any idea how dangerous that spell is?" Severus cried. "I could erase your memory permanently if I wasn't careful."

"But you did it to Pettigrew."

"I didn't give a damn what happened to him," Severus freely admitted. "But you . . . no, it's too risky. What's done is done."

"Am I in trouble?"

"For a mistake? No. However, next time you use the Pensieve, I expect you to _look_ first at any memory vial _before_ you place it in the bowl, that way you shall avoid seeing memories that I wish to keep private. There are memories in that box that I would never wish you to view . . .dark memories of the time when I was forced to serve the Dark One . . ." Severus grimaced. "The stuff of which nightmares are made . . .and you have enough of your own to deal with, you don't need mine. Understood?"

"Yes, Da. I'm sorry." He felt compelled to apologize again.

"Stop apologizing, fledgling. You're beginning to sound like a parrot that knows only one phrase."

"So—umm . . .all right. If you're not going to kill me, then can I ask you a few questions?"

"About what you saw?"

"Sort of. Actually, I was wondering what happened after the last memory. Did Hagrid keep you with him for the summer? Did Medea get well enough to walk again? Did you ever have to go back and stay with your father?"

Severus held up a hand. "One at a time!"

"I had to ask them all at once, because otherwise I'd forget." Harry explained.

"I think I need to sit down," Severus said, then sat next to Harry on the couch. "And I need a drink."

Suddenly a female house elf popped into view, bowing low to her new master. "Headmaster Sev, sir, I shall provide you whatever you need."

"I know that already, Twixie. It's a pleasure to see you again."

"It is a pleasure to serve you again, Headmaster. Here is a glass of honey mead. Enjoy." She handed him a frosted glass of a deep amber liquid. Then she looked at Harry. "Would Master Sev's son like something to drink as well?"

"Yes, please. And just call me Harry."

Twixie nodded. "Very well, Master Harry. What would you like?"

"Uh . . .just some tea with lots of sugar and cream."

"Coming right up, sir!" she vanished, returning some two minutes later with a huge cup of milky tea. "Here you are, Master Harry. If you wish something else, just let me know."

Then she vanished.

Harry sipped his tea and then smiled. "I remember her from when I was a hawk in your quarters in the dungeons. She came to help when you were unconscious from the Cruciatus curse and I was afraid you were going to die."

"Yes, Twixie is a loyal and kind elf, as well as one of the few who bother to learn proper speech and syntax."

"Why do they mostly speak in third person?"

"It has to do with how they were conditioned when they first were bound to a master. Some masters thought of the elves as an extension of themselves and rarely bothered treating them like individuals. So the elves came to think of themselves that way, and stopped using the pronoun "I". Others, like Twixie, were lucky enough to be bound to a place where they were treated like individuals, and so they retained proper speech patterns." Severus sipped his mead, relishing the sweet taste.

"Now then, as to what happened after that last memory . . .I begged Hagrid to never tell another soul about what had gone on that week. I was ashamed, you see, of almost giving up and dying, and was fearful that if he went to the Headmaster, some student would chance to hear of it, and also I didn't trust Albus back then. I felt he had abandoned me and I knew Tobias wouldn't give a rat's ass if I had tried to kill myself or not. So there was no point in Hagrid telling anyone in charge about what had gone."

"And Hagrid kept that promise," Harry surmised.

"He did. From that day to this. You are only the second person who knows what went on during that week. And I in turn kept his secret."

"Will he be mad that I know it now?"

"I doubt it. He trusts you, Harry. As do I."

"You do? Even after—"

"Fledgling, bloody hell! Stop repeating the same questions over and over, or else I really will get angry with you!" Severus snapped. Then his tone gentled. "If I didn't trust you, son, I wouldn't be sitting here discussing this."

"Oh. Right. Go on. What happened then?" Harry felt a warm glow spread through him at his father's words. He knew how rare it was for Severus to trust someone, especially with a secret like this.

"Well, Hagrid knew how badly I wished to stay here, and he also knew I hated my father and my home, so he arranged it with Dumbledore to make me his unofficial apprentice for the summer, that way I didn't have to speak about what went on at home to the Headmaster. So my secret was kept. Albus did insist, however, that I obtain permission from Tobias."

"He gave it?"

Severus snorted. "I pretended to write to him and ask, then I made up a reply in his handwriting and sent it to Dumbledore, allowing me to remain at the school for an independent study project."

Harry smirked. "Real clever, Da. Tobias never wondered where you were?"

"No. Though I did send him a letter by Muggle post some two weeks after, letting him know I was alive and at the school. He never acknowledged it. He was glad to be rid of me. As I was of him. That summer was one of the best I could remember. I spent most of it wandering the forest with Hagrid, learning about the different magical creatures who dwelled there and how to treat them when they became injured. I also learned what it meant to have a mentor, and an adult who cared for me as a person, and loved me for who I was.

"I brewed some very powerful elixirs that summer, healing potions and cures that Hagrid kept stocked in his cupboard in his hut for treating his pets and foundlings. Medea made a full recovery and Hagrid released her back into the forest again, though she sometimes would come visit him late at night, and I would hear him talking to her and her purring in reply. She was a deadly predator, but she never harmed Hagrid, she was completely faithful to him."

"Is she still around, do you think?"

"It's very possible, a chimera can live centuries, and Medea was very young when I helped Hagrid tend her."

"I wish I could see her," Harry said wistfully.

"Perhaps you shall, if Hagrid knows where she lairs and is willing to take you there," Severus said. "The last time I saw my father alive was on Christmas holiday. Then I had to go home, Dumbledore insisted. He was the same as ever, nasty drunk or sober, and we avoided each other the entire time. I returned to school, and then received a letter at the end of January telling me he had died suddenly of liver failure. I wasn't surprised."

"So you never really . . .made up, did you?"

"No. It would have taken a monumental effort on both our parts and neither of us wanted to try. I might have once, when my mother was still alive, but after she died, he didn't seem to care at all about me. Sometimes, Harry, there is nothing you can do to fix a relationship and you have to let it die. As you did with your uncle."

"Yeah, but Uncle Vernon wasn't half as bad as your father, Da. I never really expected love from him, he wasn't my blood." Harry said resignedly. "But you . . . I mean he was your father and he . . .I don't understand why he treated you like that."

"Neither do I. And now I'll never know. Not that it matters. In a way, he did me a favor, a backhanded favor. His treatment of me enabled me to survive what Voldemort dished out to me later. It is, perhaps, the one thing I have to be grateful for that he taught me."

"It's still horrible." Harry muttered, feeling tears sting his eyes. He hastily blinked them away.

Severus changed the subject. "The rest of the story you know. Finish your tea, fledgling, and we'll have supper with the staff. It's almost six, I believe."

"Then can we go flying afterwards?" Harry asked eagerly. He had been longing to become Freedom and fly since he had arrived here two days before.

"Yes. I need to feel the wind beneath my wings," Severus acquiesced. He ruffled his son's hair.

Harry leaned into his shoulder, grateful that his father had understood and forgiven him. He whispered, "I'll never tell anyone, Da. Not even Meadowsweet. I promise on my Name and my magic."

"I know that. You're a good son, Harry. Now, let me put that memory back where it belongs." He rose and went back into the office, to gather up that long ago memory and save it for posterity.

Harry finished off his tea, musing on the new things he had learned about the complex and secretive man he called his father, who opened his heart to so very few. Harry was just glad he was one of them, and glad that Hagrid had been there that day, to save a lonely boy from himself, and in so doing save Harry and the world for generations to come.

**Well, that's all for this installment of the Broken Wings saga, folks! Hope you all enjoyed the trip down memory lane with Severus and Hagrid. I plan on starting the sequel to Two Hawks Hunting sometime in January. I know that seems like a long time away, but I have to finish Moon Fire, Return to Prince Manor, But For A Dog and Irresistible Chemistry before that. **


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